Entry #19

Entry #19

Tuesday, November 1

10:00 a.m. Halloween was just last night, but you'd never know it, judging by the abundance of Christmas decorations that abound this morning. The shopping areas around here are already fully decorated with Christmas trees, life-size Santa Claus figurines and copper boughs. It’s as though little elves were decorating in the wee hours of the night while everyone was fast asleep, surrounded by piles of candy and discarded costumes. I’ve never seen Christmas arrive so early. No wonder Santa was out and about on Halloween.

Noon: I just noticed a bright pink piece of paper taped to my front door. It’s a notice that our curbs will be painted tomorrow:

Tomorrow from 7 am until 7 pm, new reflective ‘GLASS BEAD’ curb numbers will be made available to every Home on your street Curb numbers are very important. The Police, Fire Department, And Ambulance services look at the curb FIRST for your address, House numbers are hard to see from the street and almost impossible to read after dark. We are offering various styles of curb numbers. Please check which you prefer.

The lack of periods and other punctuation in this announcement worry me, since the person who wrote this is a city official, presumably. In small letters, the flyer notes that this is not a free service, but rather costs $15 for basic numbers. For $25, you can have your address printed with your favorite high school, universty or professional sports team logo. 

There’s also a blank space for “any other design.” Would they really honor this if I requested a non-Texan logo? It might fun, if only for reaction’s sake, to request a Grateful Dead symbol or evolution fish, but I’d rather not shell out $25 for a sidewalk decal. We already have the kids’ names carved in the sidewalk in San Francisco. What more do I need?

5:00 p.m. Aidan and I just finished watching the very final Friday Night Lights episode. We’ve watched every episode from all five seasons in the span of two months. Can you tell our social lives aren’t exactly hopping?

“The last episode is all about stuff that makes people kiss.” –Aidan, while watching the final fifth season episode of FNL

Wednesday, November 2

After having a bizarre reaction to my vitamins this morning (apparently niacin, when taken without food, can make you flushed and your skin feel like it’s being pricked with pins-and-needles), David took the kids to school. Izzie needed a walk, so we roamed around the neighborhood instead of going to the usual hiking trail.

For a change of pace, I decided to cross the street, heading away from our little hood (Chandler Creek) and into Heritage Hill, which I’ve actually never explored before. Little did I know that I’d be entering McMansion Land. Each and every house is enormous, expansive and meticulously landscaped. Many have private electronic gates. Izzie had a great time romping on the grass, especially at one home whose front yard had lush, golf course-type grass. I could’ve rolled in it myself, it was so inviting.

One house in particular looked like a hotel, complete with giant pillars, semi-circular driveway, and an imposing hill. Another one had so many rooms, it could easily have housed an entire generation.

There were two homes for sale around this area, both being represented by a real estate company called The Kink Team. Not exactly a great-sounding name. On the plus side, at least it’s not called The Kinky Team. These are million-plus dollar homes, and while some clients might enjoy esoteric features in their new manse, I don’t think a name like Kinky would really convey the upscale image a buyer would seek. It’s better than Ima Hogg, though, and look how far she went despite her name!

Noon: The kids each have a friend visiting this weekend, and short of taking them out to dinner, swimming, playing basketball and just hanging out, I really don’t know what these boys would enjoy doing. I thought perhaps a boat ride on the Bayou would be fun, but the rides are cancelled until March. Aidan just went to the Renaissance Pleasure Faire yesterday with his class and said it was a blast, but Noah told me that he would’ve loved to do that about five years ago.

So once again, I went onto my trusty computer and Googled events this weekend in Houston. There’s not a whole lot, I must confess, unless they want to go to an art fair, a Christmas open house (it opens this weekend), or one of many museums. There is an aquarium and zoo here, so those are possibilities. There is also a Space Center and the Museum of Natural Sciences. I just don’t know if tween-age and teenage boys would like to do this sort of thing. If we had girls coming, we could take them to the magnanimous Galleria, but my boys aren’t big on shopping, even if there is a skating rink in the middle of this Fourth Largest Mall in America.

While reading about the various museums in Houston, I read about the usual list (history, natural sciences, art), then happened upon The National Museum of Funeral History. Of all the renowned museums in this city, it was named Best Houston Museum 2011. Yes, according to the Best of Houston judges, a museum dedicated to the ritual of burying dead people totally rocks!

Current exhibits include “Coffins and Caskets of the Past,” “Historical Hearses,” “History of Embalming,” “The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,” and “Ghana and Fantasy Coffins,” as well as timely Dias de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) exhibit. You can come in any time you like, but you may never leave...

2:30 p.m. The refrigerator repairman just left, having replaced the seal that had worn out. When I opened the front door to let him in, the door scratched against the floor, making an awful screeching sound. Then, because the water filter broke off the other day, water shpritzed all over when the poor man went to wash his hands.

Our neighbor said, “Yep, when you reach that 15-year-mark, the house just starts falling apart.” I guess that’s what happens when you build a house out of paper and glue.

Thursday, November 3

1:30 p.m. I just returned from a very interesting outing at The Hong Kong Market. It’s about 30 minutes away time-wise, but a world away culturally. While its name infers that it’s largely a Chinese market, that’s hardly the case. There’s food from everywhere imaginable—Japan, China, Korea, Vietnam, The Phillipines...there’s even a selection of Mexican and Cajun foods!

Much of the produce comes from California, though there are some esoteric selections that I’ve never seen before, like dragonfruit. It’s really quite beautiful looking, though I was told it doesn’t really have much flavor. There was a bounty of persimmons, too, which I haven’t seen in Texas until today. The produce selection was truly expansive.

Some offerings were more appealing than others. There were “pig parts” hanging out behind the meat case that were all too recognizable. There were also mounds of shrimp, separated by those with heads and those without.

I stopped and stared at the inside of an enormous fish carcass. It had the biggest spine I’d ever seen on a fish. At the end of the seafood section were aquariums filled with live catfish, crabs and lobsters. Needless to say, I did not bring home any meat or seafood, as food or pet.

I did, however, find some items I wouldn’t have otherwise found at the local HEB, like Miso paste, genmaicha tea, veggie potstickers, rice noodles, sweet brown rice, and of course, the ever-popular Pocky cookies.

On the drive back, we passed a place called Phat Body Gym. What a great name! I wonder if the owners are Vietnamese or just have a good sense of humor.

7:00 p.m. After work, David stopped at a liquor store called Spec’s and picked up some interesting brews. The one he sampled tonight is called “Clown Shoes Muffin Top,” which cracked us all up. In small print, the label notes that “no muffin tops were harmed in the production of this product.”

 Cheers!

Entry #18

Entry #18

Friday, October 28

The kids returned from school today feeling cheerful and upbeat. Why? Because they spent the day celebrating Halloween.

Noah’s class watched the movie Psycho, which Noah didn’t think was scary at all, considering the archaic special effects. Just thinking about this movie while taking a shower still scares me. Ah, how times have changed. The kids’ music teacher emulated the sound effects via piano, which really impressed them. Aidan can now play the freaky sound of Norman Bates stabbing through the shower curtain.

Aidan arrived at the car holding a quart-size bag stuffed to the brim with candy. “Every kid got one of these!” he said, beaming. Between the “getting boo’ed” gift basket, treats from my mother-in-law, and this mega-bag, we already have a full bowl of candy, and it’s not even Halloween.

The interesting thing about Aidan is that he likes to collect candy more than eat it. To him, it’s like opening up a new bank account every Halloween. How many Milky Ways will he deposit this year?

4:00 p.m. Roger the repairman is back for the third time since we moved here. The first time he came to fix the dishwasher, though there was nothing he could do short of replace the whole darn thing. The second time our disposal didn’t work. Today he’s here because one toilet is broken, the other has a rusty chain, the sink is falling away from the wall, and a drawer has completely fallen apart. Just yesterday another repairman was here trying to fix our refrigerator, which won’t close because the plastic stripping is so worn out. At least repairs are covered because we’re renting.

Roger came with an assistant this time named Rusty, who ironically was the one to replace the rusty chain. He would look like a fresh-faced teenager if it wasn’t for his mutton-chops.

While working in the bathroom, he inadvertently freed a cockroach that had found residence behind the wobbly sink. The sink has since been re-glued and the roach is now inhabiting the great outdoors.

Roger said there wasn’t much he could do for the flimsy drawer but put some epoxy on it. “It’s made out of paper,” he said. I’m not expecting dovetail joinery and wooden dowels, but PAPER? Geez. This house is built like a second grade art project.

9:00 p.m. We just returned from the Annual Harvest Hayride at 7 Acre Wood. The name of this place reminded me of Winnie-the-Pooh, though that was, of course, 100-Acre Wood. It was already pretty dark by the time we got there, but I could still take in the scene: a pumpkin patch, some farm animals (goats and chickens), a small putt-putt course, horse shoes, a mini zip line, swings and of course, a tractor pulling a wagon lined with hay. All in all, seven acres of down-home fun.

In addition to serving hot dogs and chips, there was a café, which seemed to be very popular judging by the number of people holding warm beverage cups. The indoor seating area was empty, but still illuminated, so I went inside to check out the assortment of country-style bric-a-brac.

While the place was certainly warm and inviting, I was struck by the abundance of religious objets d'art, mounted crosses, and evangelical booklets accompanied by a "please take one" sign. The bookshelves were filled with bible study materials, as well as a few dusty history books.

I met a few parents at the kids’ school, and it really is an international place. I’ve met people from Holland, Italy and Israel, but the majority seem to be upper-middle class Mexicans.

Now that the temperature has dropped, the house is suddenly freezing at night. David realized, while standing next to the wall, that he could actually feel the cold air coming in. “This house was definitely built by the first little piggy,” he said.

Saturday, October 29

12:30 p.m. I just picked up Noah from bowling. Rather than relay the usual, “It was fun,” he told me he was upset with himself for having an especially low series of scores that day. I figured he simply had an “off” day, but then found our he’d used a 15-pound ball, far too heavy for his lanky arms.

Noah said that ordinarily he wouldn’t care what his score was, but since everyone takes bowling so seriously around here, it’s hard to just have fun. Luckily I could step outside the situation and give him some perspective. For one, I reminded him that his team is called “We’ve Got Balls.” For another, it’s BOWLING. When it stops being fun, it’s time to stop bowling.

3:30 p.m. We just returned from the kids’ last YMCA basketball game. Noah was the big scorer, mainly because he can reach over everyone else’s head to get the rebounds and then reach over them once again to score. Aidan was great on defense, though he was definitely crowded by the most assertive kid on the other team. He was also tripped, elbowed and pushed, so by the end of the game, his nose was throbbing and he was walking with a definite limp. Still, the boys really looked out for one another on the court, and they won their last game by just a few points. Hopefully Aidan can learn to stay out of the way of pointy elbows in the future.

4:30 p.m. I just returned from the cul-de-sac mailbox to find a belated birthday gift from a Berkeley friend. She grew up in North Carolina, so she’s really a Southern gal at heart. In the card, she wrote that I would be receiving a subscription to the enclosed magazine. Upon unwrapping it, I discovered my first issue of Garden & Gun: Soul of the South.

I’d never seen this magazine before, so I immediately rifled through it (so to speak) and was quite impressed. One feature I especially liked was the “Made in the South Awards,” which include everything from hand-built guitars and custom hats to farm tables and herbal jam. The only mention of anything proximate to Houston in this issue is a nod to a restored hotel in Galveston. Since The Woodlands is more semblant of Anywhere, USA than Charming, South, it’s unlikely to be featured anytime soon.

Sunday, October 30

10:00 a.m. After dropping the kids off at Sunday school, we met up with a neighbor for a walk around the George Mitchell Reserve. Izzie loves romping with his two Golden Retrievers, so this was a real treat for her.

Along the way, we talked about the schools here, among other things, and the number of kids who play football. “I was a quarterback about 100 pounds ago,” he said. He told us that at the middle school alone, 600 kids (out of the 2200 on the 7^th/8^th grade campus) play football. There are 12 teams, 12 coaches, 12 games every week.

While most of these kids attend the rigorous practices and are technically on one of the many teams, only a fraction of them actually play the games. This is also the case with high school teams. “There can be like 100 kids on the sidelines. Texas likes to intimidate people that way,” our neighbor said.

Besides the all-encompassing topic of sports, the other subject we chatted about was the reserve itself. Only within the last few years has it actually been officially designated as a nature preserve. Before that, it was private land. Our neighbor said he was jogging around there a few years back when a game warden stopped him and started writing up a ticket. Having grown up in Louisiana, he’d heard that game wardens in Texas are basically all-powerful, so he kept mum. A person he knew who’d “had a word” with a warden was handcuffed and taken to jail.

Our neighbor said he’s seen plenty of wildlife, mostly deer, but has heard that there’s a big population of boars around here. He saw some guys with crossbows while hiking one day and figured they were hunting “wild pigs.” I can’t imagine running into a tusked pig, but it could happen. Izzie would likely run after it, wanting to play.

Hogs were introduced in Mexico and Texas 300 years ago by the Spanish, who brought them here for food. Other domesticated pigs escaped and became wild over the years and joined them.

—www.ehow.com/facts

8:00 p.m. I opened up my handy Texas guidebook and was reading about possible places to take the kids’ friends when they visit this coming weekend. One place that sounds interesting (but probably not up their alley) is the Varner Plantation, once inhabited by “The First Lady of Texas,” Ima Hogg. This was her real name. Miss Hogg, as she was known, became a major American philanthropic, patron and collector of the arts and “one of the most respected women in Texas during the 20^th century (New York Times, 8/21/75).”

Ima Hogg was described as “small and dainty and feminine” (lucky for her). Her first name was supposedly taken from her uncle Thomas Hogg’s epic Civil War poem, The Fate of Marvin, which featured two young women named Ima and Leila. Contrary to popular belief, Ima did not have a sister named Ura. (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ima_Hogg)

Monday, October 31

Today began in a way I can only describe as appropriately ghoulish, since Halloween is tonight. First thing this morning, Noah tossed his cookies (or rather breakfast) all over the kitchen floor after taking his “teen” vitamins. Then, Izzie decided to roll around in some sort of putrefied fecal matter. Of course she was bound to do this because I gave her a long, thorough bath yesterday after hiking in the woods and picking off 13 lively tics. Hopefully as the day progresses, there will be less tricks (and tics) and more treats.

4:00 p.m. This afternoon I saw a man dressed as Santa. This is a first. It does make perfect sense, though, considering the fact that every store I entered today had its Halloween goods on sale half price and already had Thanksgiving and Christmas items out on display. Santa is obviously aware of this.

6:00 p.m. While getting ready for Halloween, Aidan tossed a football with a neighbor of ours, a 16-year-old girl whose softball team just won not only number one in the state championships, but number one in the nation. She was sporting a big, chunky championship ring. The level of not just competition, but also achievement in sports here is mind-boggling.

9:00 p.m. I just finished giving away two full bins of Ring Pops. While in Berkeley, we had very few trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood, so it was fun to give out candy for a change.

The gathering around the cul-de-sac was quite nice, though I completely embarrassed myself by asking the man sitting next to me which house was his. He patted my leg and said, “Darlin, I live next door.” Granted, I'd met him only once, but still... I slumped behind my cauldron of Ring Pops for a little while before regaining my composure. 

There were two full-size tables filled with all kinds of food, including several slow cookers filled with hots dogs and baked beans, meatballs in some kind of sweet purple sauce, Chick-Fil-A nuggets, and a variety of dips and sauces. Someone carved a small pumpkin to look like it was barfing guacomole, which was clever (though somewhat unappetizing after my morning clean-up). I didn't end up bringing Jell-O, but instead bought some lox (it's appropriately orange) and made mini bagel, lox, cream cheese and cucumber appetizers. Not exactly along the same lines as buffalo dip and mini weenies, but tasty nonetheless.

Aidan was stoked about his stash of candy after trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. Full-size candy bars are always a big hit, and he got several of them, to his great delight. His other personal favorites? A bag of Doritos and microwave popcorn.

Noah decided not to go trick-or-treating since he felt too self-conscious about his 6’2” height to play dress-up and ask for candy. Aidan, however, now has enough loot to keep both of them hopped up on sugar for months to come. Aidan dressed up as Yoda for the third year running, only this year my young Padawan wore Birkenstocks. You can take the boy out of Berkeley...

Entry #17

Entry #17

Wednesday, October 26

Life has a way of imitating art, especially when it comes to the show Friday Night Lights and Texas football. We just finished watching an episode where the two Dillon, Texas teams are about to compete against each other and things get nasty. The Lions put thousands of toothpicks on the Panthers’ turf so they miss a practice, then the (much wealthier) Panthers retaliate by completely demolishing the Lions’ field.

While The Woodlands High School and College Preparatory School aren’t as dramatic as the FNL teams, I did hear from a woman I met here that the game between these rival schools is THE big deal of the season. All the tickets are sold out well in advance, and the atmosphere is definitely intense. Her son is in the marching band, and he’s always busy practicing, performing or competing. The WHS band is composed of something like 350 kids.

12:00 p.m. I just received an online invitation to attend the “Ivory Moon Annual Halloween Potluck” with the title, “Ivory Mooners.” This brings to mind the act of “mooning,” which I imagine was not their intent.

The plan is to meet at the cul-de-sac at 5:00p for the bewitching hour to begin!

Bring a dish to share, witches brew of your choosing, a cauldron of candy and chair to set your bum in!

Join us to eat, drink & be scary!!

Let us know that you'll be there!

We’re supposed to let the host know what we’re bringing. The suggestions include “buffalo chicken dip” and “pigs in a blanket.” Maybe I'll bring Orange Jell-O with gummy worms or eyeballs or something. Jell-O is definitely big around here. In fact, half an aisle at the grocery store is dedicated to Jell-O products of every conceivable variety, though I don’t think Jell-O 1-2-3 is around anymore. I used to love Jell-O 1-2-3 because it separated into three different layers, which I thought was extremely cool.

We’re expected to bring some sort of beverage, too, preferably of the alcohol variety. So while the kids get hopped-up on sugar, the adults get loopy on spiked cider and pumpkin-tinis. We live right on the cul-de-sac, so there’s no escaping this event. Maybe a nice, strong drink isn’t such a bad idea.

Thursday, October 27

Gallows humor seemed to enter the foray as we passed the dead armadillo for the millionth time. I’m now absolutely sure this roadside casualty is never going to be removed, so I decided to at least give it some dignity by naming it Huey.

To add some levity to Huey’s unfortunate situation, I asked Aidan, “What would you say would be a good answer to, ‘Why did the armadillo cross the road in The Woodlands?’” He thought about this a minute and said, “Because he had no life.” Sadly, Noah and I both found this funny.

The real reason for Huey's demise? Armadillos are nearly blind and can't see the street from the woods (or rather, "the wood for the trees," as the saying goes).

10:00 a.m. While waiting in line at the grocery store today, I noticed a old man staring at my backside. I looked to see if I'd sat on something and then realized he was looking at my clogs. Then he lifted up his pantleg to show me his black slip-ons and said, “Seems we have the same style shoes.” This is the closest I’ve come to seeing someone wearing clogs around here, and it happened to be an 80-year-old man. 

6:45 p.m. The shoes (or lack thereof) theme continues...After giving Noah dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, I ran out the door to pick up Aidan from Hebrew school, not bothering to put on shoes because I figured I’d just drive there and back. The “car line” proved to be absurdly long, and I didn’t feel like waiting, so I parked my car in the empty lot and walked out with Izzie. Luckily it was getting dark, but the contrast between my casual attire and lack of shoes really stood out against the other moms picking up their kids, most of whom were wearing high heels and slacks or skirts. I was surprised at how self-conscious I felt, like a hippie chick stepping into a corporate shindig.

Friday, October 28

Today, for the first time since I arrived here, I actually needed to wear a fleece jacket outside. It rained last night, and the day was gray—just the way my kids like it. Guess it reminds them of home.

Izzie seems to prefer this weather, too. She bounded non-stop on our hike this morning. I figured she’d turn into a mud beast if I took her anywhere near the lake, so I decided to go on a mystery trail (unmarked). Luckily we didn’t pass anything more murky than a few mud puddles. Still no wildlife to be seen, except for the skinny gray squirrels that inhabit this area.

Tonight we’re supposed to go to the “12^th Annual Harvest Hayride” for the kids’ school. Yeehaw! Tonight’s event will also include a hot dog cookout, s’mores and, guitar-accompanied singing. Noah said his classmates plan to bring their AirSoft guns, too. My kids are less-than-thrilled about going, but since we have yet to meet the parent community at the kids’ school, I thought it would be a good idea. We shall see...

8:00 p.m. Art imitated life once again with the latest episode of Friday Night Lights. I’d just spoken to Noah about his need to eat more protein, which is challenging because he doesn’t eat meat.

In season five of Friday Night Lights, a stereotypically Texan character named Buddy Garrity is talking to his son, Buddy Jr., who’d just moved back from living with his mom and stepdad in Northern California. His son says he'll eat anything as long as he doesn't have to touch another piece of seitan.

“Satan? What’s seitan?”

“Kevin calls it, like, ‘nature’s meat’ or something.”

“Son, nature already has meat. It’s called ‘cow.’”

Entry #16

Entry #16

Sunday, October 23

4:00 p.m. I just returned from Mercer Arboretum in nearby Humble (pronounced Umble), about 20 minutes away. David had to work and the kids weren’t too keen about walking around looking at flowers, so it was just my mother-in-law, Joni, her twin sister, Jeanette, and me.

An oasis of serenity and natural beauty along Cypress Creek, Mercer Arboretum & Botanic Gardens is a horticultural masterpiece. These 300 acres of East Texas Piney Woods showcase the region’s largest collection of native and cultivated plants. A living museum, it is also home to a wealth of animal life.

I told Joni and Jeanette that they needed to take their purses with them because we’d seen a lot of signs warning us about thefts. Ironically, a car had just been broken into shortly before we arrived, and a security officer was sweeping up glass from a shattered window. So much for this place being “an oasis of serenity...”

A notice alerted us that we if we were going to take photos, we had to sign something, so we made our way to the small front office. I didn’t quite understand why taking photos of flowers and shrubbery would require a legal signature, so I asked the docent working there. She explained that people have taken the liberty of placing their children directly on flowering plants, have pulled out native foliage to get a better shot, and crushed the carefully tended greenery. Hence the need to tell people: if you’re going to take a photo, don’t smash, squash, kill, or otherwise damage our garden. This is a prime example of “addressing the lowest common denominator.”

As we ambled among the flowers, we were met with not just a few but an entire swarm of mosquitos. At first I didn’t realize I was being followed by these bloodsucking varmints, but Jeannette quickly noticed I was quickly becoming a central feasting zone. By the time we left the arboretum, my legs and arms were covered with swollen bites.

I took a few nice photos of Joni and Jeanette before leaving, and was tempted to ask if I could photograph a girl who was about to celebrate her quinceañera—an elaborate celebration of a Latina girl’s 15^th birthday. The girl's bright pink dress was so large and bright, it took center stage, with billows of satin, lace and ribbon. When she walked, she had to pick up the gigantic, hoop skirt, which looked like something borrowed from a bridal cake. 

8:30 p.m. George Bush Sr. and Jr., the 41^st and 43^rd presidents of the United States, were joined by fellow Texan and former MLB All-Star, Nolan Ryan, for the ceremonial first pitch of today’s World Series game in Arlington, Texas. Zooey Deschanel sang the National Anthem, though Aidan was convinced it was Katy Perry. “Does Katy Perry have a twin?” he asked.

We happened to catch these brief moments because we were at a Japanese restaurant and a TV was on behind the sushi bar. The game opener began while we were waiting for our food.

The menu at this very tasty restaurant included “The Woodlands” sushi rolls, each named for one of the nine villages here. I wonder what the ingredients in these rolls say about the people inhabiting each village. The Carlton Woods, for example, is a roll with “fried crawfish or scallops, spicy sauce, smelt eggs and mushrooms on top of a California roll.” Alden Bridge is a “breaded and deep-fried potato with tempura shrimp.” We live in Indian Springs, so if we were to order a roll representing our little neck of the woods, we’d have a “baked California roll with salmon and sweet sauce on top.” Several of these rolls are topped with “smelt eggs.” Why smelt eggs? Does Does the sushi chef think The Woodlands smells like eggs (as in "I smelt eggs")? Or perhaps lots of smelt swim in the man-made lakes here? I've never seen this ingredient on a Japanese menu before. 

Monday, October 24

 7:00 a.m. David’s aunt and mom are leaving this morning, and apparently his aunt wasn’t feeling well last night and came into the kitchen to get some cranberry juice. Joni told me that she found some, but it had tasted "really awful." Turns out she guzzled more than half a bottle of cranberry-flavored Kombucha, which tastes more like vinegar than anything fruity. I can only imagine Jeanette’s expression while trying to down a whole glass of this stuff.

Today’s Etsy email included an entire section dedicated to deer, entitled “Oh Deer!” Did they investigate my current demographics or something? Today’s selection featured a deer locket necklace, a brown leather bracelet, a deer head vinyl wall decal, and a mounted deer head boutonniere, with the following description:

 “This is the perfect boutonniere for your hipster wedding or for a simple guy who likes to hunt bambi, not that i do. i sold one recently to a wedding party who were doing an entire wedding of taxidermy, mosses and succulents.”

This item is a whopping $50. At least no deer (Lilluputian or otherwise) were killed to create this eclectic piece.

Tuesday, October 25

10:00 a.m. I just returned from a “wellness” appointment, the latest term for a check-up. The practice is run by a female doctor, and the entire office looks like something from Southern Living. While waiting, I sat on a faux-leopard skin chair and observed my surrounds. Decorative throw pillows, faux floral arrangements, swaths of gold lamé, and overstuffed upholstered furniture gave the waiting room the appearance of a staged home.

The people working there—all women—are dressed to the nines, with full-faces of makeup, coiffed hair, and high heels. I walked in wearing jeans, a t-shirt, clogs and minimal makeup. This is the first time I’ve ever felt underdressed going to the doctor.

I drove along some side streets to get there and passed roads called Budde, Robin Walk and Wishbone Bush. There were a few streets named after birds like Hornbill and Cassowary, too. I was surprised to see a store called Buffalo Nickel Emporium. Do they sell enough of these antique coins to be able to "rub two nickels together"? Another place I saw was called Mighty Kids University, basically a converted 1970s house with no "university" students in sight. Down the street was an Adult Day Care and a place called Birds of Paradise: Specializing in hand-fed exotic birds. What an eclectic neighborhood.

On the way back, I looked at Lake Woodlands, a man-made lake that was original built as a water feature and drainage source for The Woodlands community. The area adjacent to Woodlands Parkway is home to a variety of birds, including the largest congregation of vultures I have ever seen. There must’ve been at least four dozen of them hanging out today.

This makes me wonder: If there are so many vultures in The Woodlands, why isn’t the roadkill getting eaten? Are they already full? Isn't this their job to be "nature's waste managers"?

In parting, a few words of Texas wisdom:

• Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n’ puttin’ it back in.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
• Don’t squat with your spurs on.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

—wilk4.com/humor/humorm205.htm

On that note...