Friday, October 28, 2011

Entry #17


Entry #17

Wednesday, October 26

Life has a way of imitating art, especially when it comes to the show Friday Night Lights and Texas football. We just finished watching an episode where the two Dillon, Texas teams are about to compete against each other and things get nasty. The Lions put thousands of toothpicks on the Panthers’ turf so they miss a practice, then the (much wealthier) Panthers retaliate by completely demolishing the Lions’ field.

While The Woodlands High School and College Preparatory School aren’t as dramatic as the FNL teams, I did hear from a woman I met here that the game between these rival schools is THE big deal of the season. All the tickets are sold out well in advance, and the atmosphere is definitely intense. Her son is in the marching band, and he’s always busy practicing, performing or competing. The WHS band is composed of something like 350 kids.



12:00 p.m. I just received an online invitation to attend the “Ivory Moon Annual Halloween Potluck” with the title, “Ivory Mooners.” This brings to mind the act of “mooning,” which I imagine was not their intent.

The plan is to meet at the cul-de-sac at 5:00p for the bewitching hour to begin!
Bring a dish to share, witches brew of your choosing, a cauldron of candy and chair to set your bum in!
Join us to eat, drink & be scary!!
Let us know that you'll be there!

We’re supposed to let the host know what we’re bringing. The suggestions include “buffalo chicken dip” and “pigs in a blanket.” Maybe I'll bring Orange Jell-O with gummy worms or eyeballs or something. Jell-O is definitely big around here. In fact, half an aisle at the grocery store is dedicated to Jell-O products of every conceivable variety, though I don’t think Jell-O 1-2-3 is around anymore. I used to love Jell-O 1-2-3 because it separated into three different layers, which I thought was extremely cool.



We’re expected to bring some sort of beverage, too, preferably of the alcohol variety. So while the kids get hopped-up on sugar, the adults get loopy on spiked cider and pumpkin-tinis. We live right on the cul-de-sac, so there’s no escaping this event. Maybe a nice, strong drink isn’t such a bad idea.



Thursday, October 27

Gallows humor seemed to enter the foray as we passed the dead armadillo for the millionth time. I’m now absolutely sure this roadside casualty is never going to be removed, so I decided to at least give it some dignity by naming it Huey.

To add some levity to Huey’s unfortunate situation, I asked Aidan, “What would you say would be a good answer to, ‘Why did the armadillo cross the road in The Woodlands?’” He thought about this a minute and said, “Because he had no life.” Sadly, Noah and I both found this funny.

The real reason for Huey's demise? Armadillos are nearly blind and can't see the street from the woods (or rather, "the wood for the trees," as the saying goes).


10:00 a.m. While waiting in line at the grocery store today, I noticed a old man staring at my backside. I looked to see if I'd sat on something and then realized he was looking at my clogs. Then he lifted up his pantleg to show me his black slip-ons and said, “Seems we have the same style shoes.” This is the closest I’ve come to seeing someone wearing clogs around here, and it happened to be an 80-year-old man. 


6:45 p.m. The shoes (or lack thereof) theme continues...After giving Noah dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, I ran out the door to pick up Aidan from Hebrew school, not bothering to put on shoes because I figured I’d just drive there and back. The “car line” proved to be absurdly long, and I didn’t feel like waiting, so I parked my car in the empty lot and walked out with Izzie. Luckily it was getting dark, but the contrast between my casual attire and lack of shoes really stood out against the other moms picking up their kids, most of whom were wearing high heels and slacks or skirts. I was surprised at how self-conscious I felt, like a hippie chick stepping into a corporate shindig.

Friday, October 28

Today, for the first time since I arrived here, I actually needed to wear a fleece jacket outside. It rained last night, and the day was gray—just the way my kids like it. Guess it reminds them of home.

Izzie seems to prefer this weather, too. She bounded non-stop on our hike this morning. I figured she’d turn into a mud beast if I took her anywhere near the lake, so I decided to go on a mystery trail (unmarked). Luckily we didn’t pass anything more murky than a few mud puddles. Still no wildlife to be seen, except for the skinny gray squirrels that inhabit this area.


Tonight we’re supposed to go to the “12th Annual Harvest Hayride” for the kids’ school. Yeehaw! Tonight’s event will also include a hot dog cookout, s’mores and, guitar-accompanied singing. Noah said his classmates plan to bring their AirSoft guns, too. My kids are less-than-thrilled about going, but since we have yet to meet the parent community at the kids’ school, I thought it would be a good idea. We shall see...

8:00 p.m. Art imitated life once again with the latest episode of Friday Night Lights. I’d just spoken to Noah about his need to eat more protein, which is challenging because he doesn’t eat meat.

In season five of Friday Night Lights, a stereotypically Texan character named Buddy Garrity is talking to his son, Buddy Jr., who’d just moved back from living with his mom and stepdad in Northern California. His son says he'll eat anything as long as he doesn't have to touch another piece of seitan.

“Satan? What’s seitan?”
“Kevin calls it, like, ‘nature’s meat’ or something.”
“Son, nature already has meat. It’s called ‘cow.’”




Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Entry #16


Entry #16

Sunday, October 23
4:00 p.m. I just returned from Mercer Arboretum in nearby Humble (pronounced Umble), about 20 minutes away. David had to work and the kids weren’t too keen about walking around looking at flowers, so it was just my mother-in-law, Joni, her twin sister, Jeanette, and me.

An oasis of serenity and natural beauty along Cypress Creek, Mercer Arboretum & Botanic Gardens is a horticultural masterpiece. These 300 acres of East Texas Piney Woods showcase the region’s largest collection of native and cultivated plants. A living museum, it is also home to a wealth of animal life.


I told Joni and Jeanette that they needed to take their purses with them because we’d seen a lot of signs warning us about thefts. Ironically, a car had just been broken into shortly before we arrived, and a security officer was sweeping up glass from a shattered window. So much for this place being “an oasis of serenity...”


A notice alerted us that we if we were going to take photos, we had to sign something, so we made our way to the small front office. I didn’t quite understand why taking photos of flowers and shrubbery would require a legal signature, so I asked the docent working there. She explained that people have taken the liberty of placing their children directly on flowering plants, have pulled out native foliage to get a better shot, and crushed the carefully tended greenery. Hence the need to tell people: if you’re going to take a photo, don’t smash, squash, kill, or otherwise damage our garden. This is a prime example of “addressing the lowest common denominator.”

As we ambled among the flowers, we were met with not just a few but an entire swarm of mosquitos. At first I didn’t realize I was being followed by these bloodsucking varmints, but Jeannette quickly noticed I was quickly becoming a central feasting zone. By the time we left the arboretum, my legs and arms were covered with swollen bites.

I took a few nice photos of Joni and Jeanette before leaving, and was tempted to ask if I could photograph a girl who was about to celebrate her quinceañera—an elaborate celebration of a Latina girl’s 15th birthday. The girl's bright pink dress was so large and bright, it took center stage, with billows of satin, lace and ribbon. When she walked, she had to pick up the gigantic, hoop skirt, which looked like something borrowed from a bridal cake. 


8:30 p.m. George Bush Sr. and Jr., the 41st and 43rd presidents of the United States, were joined by fellow Texan and former MLB All-Star, Nolan Ryan, for the ceremonial first pitch of today’s World Series game in Arlington, Texas. Zooey Deschanel sang the National Anthem, though Aidan was convinced it was Katy Perry. “Does Katy Perry have a twin?” he asked.


We happened to catch these brief moments because we were at a Japanese restaurant and a TV was on behind the sushi bar. The game opener began while we were waiting for our food.

The menu at this very tasty restaurant included “The Woodlands” sushi rolls, each named for one of the nine villages here. I wonder what the ingredients in these rolls say about the people inhabiting each village. The Carlton Woods, for example, is a roll with “fried crawfish or scallops, spicy sauce, smelt eggs and mushrooms on top of a California roll.” Alden Bridge is a “breaded and deep-fried potato with tempura shrimp.” We live in Indian Springs, so if we were to order a roll representing our little neck of the woods, we’d have a “baked California roll with salmon and sweet sauce on top.” Several of these rolls are topped with “smelt eggs.” Why smelt eggs? Does Does the sushi chef think The Woodlands smells like eggs (as in "I smelt eggs")? Or perhaps lots of smelt swim in the man-made lakes here? I've never seen this ingredient on a Japanese menu before. 

Monday, October 24
 7:00 a.m. David’s aunt and mom are leaving this morning, and apparently his aunt wasn’t feeling well last night and came into the kitchen to get some cranberry juice. Joni told me that she found some, but it had tasted "really awful." Turns out she guzzled more than half a bottle of cranberry-flavored Kombucha, which tastes more like vinegar than anything fruity. I can only imagine Jeanette’s expression while trying to down a whole glass of this stuff.

Today’s Etsy email included an entire section dedicated to deer, entitled “Oh Deer!” Did they investigate my current demographics or something? Today’s selection featured a deer locket necklace, a brown leather bracelet, a deer head vinyl wall decal, and a mounted deer head boutonniere, with the following description:
 “This is the perfect boutonniere for your hipster wedding or for a simple guy who likes to hunt bambi, not that i do. i sold one recently to a wedding party who were doing an entire wedding of taxidermy, mosses and succulents.”
This item is a whopping $50. At least no deer (Lilluputian or otherwise) were killed to create this eclectic piece.

Tuesday, October 25
10:00 a.m. I just returned from a “wellness” appointment, the latest term for a check-up. The practice is run by a female doctor, and the entire office looks like something from Southern Living. While waiting, I sat on a faux-leopard skin chair and observed my surrounds. Decorative throw pillows, faux floral arrangements, swaths of gold lamé, and overstuffed upholstered furniture gave the waiting room the appearance of a staged home.

The people working there—all women—are dressed to the nines, with full-faces of makeup, coiffed hair, and high heels. I walked in wearing jeans, a t-shirt, clogs and minimal makeup. This is the first time I’ve ever felt underdressed going to the doctor.

I drove along some side streets to get there and passed roads called Budde, Robin Walk and Wishbone Bush. There were a few streets named after birds like Hornbill and Cassowary, too. I was surprised to see a store called Buffalo Nickel Emporium. Do they sell enough of these antique coins to be able to "rub two nickels together"? Another place I saw was called Mighty Kids University, basically a converted 1970s house with no "university" students in sight. Down the street was an Adult Day Care and a place called Birds of Paradise: Specializing in hand-fed exotic birds. What an eclectic neighborhood.

On the way back, I looked at Lake Woodlands, a man-made lake that was original built as a water feature and drainage source for The Woodlands community. The area adjacent to Woodlands Parkway is home to a variety of birds, including the largest congregation of vultures I have ever seen. There must’ve been at least four dozen of them hanging out today.


This makes me wonder: If there are so many vultures in The Woodlands, why isn’t the roadkill getting eaten? Are they already full? Isn't this their job to be "nature's waste managers"?

In parting, a few words of Texas wisdom:

  • Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n’ puttin’ it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
—wilk4.com/humor/humorm205.htm
On that note...


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Entry #15


Entry #15
Thursday, October 20

This past day seems to have a distinct animal theme about it. Yesterday I read about a man freeing dozens of wild animals from his Zanesville, Ohio animal farm before committing suicide, resulting 48 animals getting killed, including 18 Bengal tigers and 17 lions. How incredibly tragic, especially considering how many of these poor creatures are already endangered.

Today I read about 2,500 chickens being strewn across the highway in Vacaville, CA, after a truck spilled its load. Even if these critters were soon going to be plucked and wrapped in cellophane, it's still really sad.

While walking Izzie today, I actually saw two white-tailed deer for the first time since I’ve been here. I’ve seen plenty of bronze deer, and enough roadkill to feed a legion of vultures (which hang out by the dozens out here). The only armadillo I’ve seen in The Woodlands has been lying rigor mortis on the side of the road for more than a week and now seems to be decomposing. Clearing dead critters off the streets is evidently not a priority. Hopefully as Izzie and I go off the beaten track in the reserve we’ll see more wildlife that's actually alive, like this little fella:


In today’s here.Houston.com, Tanji Patton writes about brunch at the Tasting Room.

“Brunch is now being served on the weekends with a focus on locally sourced products. And some of the menu items sound like just the kinda food you crave on a lazy Saturday. Ever tried Red Neck Benedict? It’s a Frito pie with fried eggs! Or, if that’s not to your liking, there’s a Red Velvet Waffle with Chicken Wings.”


I never have a craving for Fritos, chicken wings or Red Velvet anything on a Saturday morning, let alone any other day of the week (though as a kid I used to think Fritos were a tasty treat). What’s next? Chicken-fried pancakes with sausage gravy? Omelets with chihuahua cheese and pork cracklins?

Under Houston-area happenings, I just spotted the event my mother-in-law and her sister are here to see:
Sweet Adelines International Free Performance: “Nearly 7,000 a cappela vocalists from around the world will be performing and competing...from dawn to dusk each day...” 


Other activities this week include the Caeser Salad Competition, Zest in the West Grand Zestival, “Deer Camp,” the musical and Texian Market Days Festival (complete with battle re-enactments), and the Fourth Annual Halloween Car Show, among other festivities. 
The one event I'd actually like to go to is the PetFest in Old Town Spring:
“In 2010, we had 70+ rescue groups, 50+ vendors, and gave back almost $13,000 to 15 lucky groups. We still emphasize adoptions, education and fundraising but in a much grander scale with approximately 10 amazing committee members helping to put on the event voted as the "Best Pet Event" in the Houston area in a poll by Houston PetTalk Magazine.” —Pet Fest 2011


“For $40 (which goes into the rescue drawing), your pets can get married (wedding attire optional but encouraged!), receive a wedding license, wedding gifts, wedding photo (by Posh Pet Photography ), have a reception in their honor at the Yappy Hour and their human parents will receive 2 tickets to the Yappy Hour reception after the wedding...and music!”
I told Noah about the goofy pet weddings and said, "Izzie’s too young to get married."
4:30 p.m. We stopped at two places on the way home after school. The first place was to get bagels (the $2.50/baker’s dozen special before closing). I was exactly seven minutes early and was told to wait until exactly 3:45, not a second soon. While waiting, a woman in a green suede jacket that happened to match the Brooklyn Café’s painted walls came and sat next to me and started talking nonstop. 

From the time she sat down, until the time I ordered the bagels, I learned that she had children and grandchildren, was widowed but remarried, had lived overseas (in Singapore and Egypt) doing missionary work with her first husband, and that her daughter who is now working for the government and living in Arlington, Virginia, but visiting right now, really likes “everything” bagels with pumpkin cream cheese. She grew up in small towns in Texas and came to the Woodlands in 2001. I learned all this in less than five minutes without saying a word. Upon leaving the café, she said goodbye and “God bless you.”

The second stop was at Walgreen’s pharmacy to pick up an antibiotic for Noah. I was initially going to be charged $224.36, a significant discount off the $866.99 retail price (it was written on the printout), but even that price was outlandish. Antibiotics are usually pretty cheap. I dug up a coupon the dermatologist had given me and then suddenly the prescription was absolutely free! So I essentially had a coupon for $866.99 off the retail price. That’s the best coupon EVER!

Upon getting home, I put away the holiday cards I purchased from a site called Minted (yes, I already ordered them...) and read the invoice card:

Our art is sourced from a global community of indie designers...” The person who designed my card happens to live in San Francisco. Gosh, I'm predictable.

5:30 p.m. I just read on the SF Chronicle online that there was a 3.9 magnitude earthquake this afternoon. I wrote to several friends and they said they definitely felt it, but there was virtually no damage. Phew. Still, earthquakes are very unsettling, to say the least. A friend of mine said she had an earthquake drill just this morning, only to encounter a real one in the afternoon.

Apparently there was a “record-breaking” earthquake today in south Texas, too. We didn’t feel it, though, since the epi-center was near San Antonio, several hours away.


Another piece of less earth-shaking news: San Francisco came out on top as the best city for trick-or-treating. Other prime trick-or-treating cities include Boston, Honolulu, Seattle and Chicago. Not a single Texas city made the top 20, to my surprise. People are really into Halloween here.

 The Giants didn’t make the play-offs, the mayor’s race drags on (and on), and our Indian summer seemed like more of a fortnight. But here’s a little autumnal sweetness: San Francisco is the country’s best city for trick-or-treating.
So says Zillow, a real estate data website, which last year placed us at No. 2 behind Seattle. This year, Boston, Honolulu, Seattle and Chicago round out the Top 5. To come up with its rankings, Zillow calculated each city’s median home value, walkability, population density and crime. In short, wealthy places that are walkable, crowded and low on crime make excellent trick-or-treating destinations. —SF Gate, 10/20/11

Friday, October 21
I happened upon some funny Texas sayings, many of which I've never heard:
(hot) “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
(lazy) “He’s like a blister—he doesn’t show up till the work’s all done.”
(poor) “I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when I hear a dog bark.”
(pretentious) “He’s all hat and no cattle.”
(Texas advice) “Never ask a man if he’s from Texas. If he is, he’ll tell you on his own. If he ain’t, no need to embarrass him.”
(big) “Big as all hell and half of Texas.”
(confused) “I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.”
(crazy) “His cheese done slid off his cracker!”
10:00 a.m. After dropping off the kids at school, I heard on NPR that there’s a new Civil War exhibit at Houston’s Museum of Natural Science. The 150th anniversary of the American Civil War has spurred a new wave of interest, though it’s never really waned in the South.
The museum's exhibit, consisting of National Archives documents, artifacts from the collection of Houston businessman John Nau, and items salvaged from the USS Westfield, sunk in the January 1863 Battle of Galveston, rarely strays from its mission of telling the war's story from the bottom up.
Many items on display never have been publicly exhibited. Highlights include the original copy of the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery and South Carolina's 1860 declaration of secession. For a few days in February, the original copy of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation will be exhibited, as well.
chron.com 10/13/11
Friday, October 21

While giving blood yesterday for David's corporate health insurance, I was prodded so deeply, my arm actually started to burn. The nurse poked me in my right arm, but could only get a few drops, then said, “Well, I blew that vein!” Then she poked my left arm twice, again, pushing the needle in extra deep. The last time I experienced this sensation was when my arm was punctured by a dog bite.

David, on the other hand, got his blood drawn by another nurse and said, “That was easy!” Today both my arms are black-and-blue. David’s are perfectly fine.

So, when I had to go and get my blood drawn AGAIN today, I was not exactly feeling all that chipper about it. Turns out I had to give five vials for a complete physical. I asked the technician to give me a (smaller) butterfly needle, with hopes that this would work better. She wanted to try the standard size first, but I showed her my arms and she got the butterfly without question.

While preparing, she faced away from me and I could see a prominent tattoo on the back of her neck, with two Asian characters. I asked her what it meant. She said, “strong mother,” and proceeded to tell me it was in honor of her seven-week old baby who died, her only son. Talk about a heartbreaker. I then found out she has two other kids, both girls, and one with autism. Her younger daughter is seemingly normal, though doesn’t want to go to sleep. “She don’t want to miss nothin’,” the technician said. Made me really thankful for my two great kids. And despite the fact that she didn’t speak grammatically correct English, she was great at her job. One needle, five vials, no burning sensation. Relief.

Afterwards, I had to fill up with gas, so I drove to the station across the street, stopped my car, and proceeded to take out my credit card. The stations, however, didn’t seem to be turned on. I must’ve looked like the dumbest female, just standing there staring at a non-working gas pump, because a man came up to me smiling, and said, “Darlin’, we’re not open yet...another two, three weeks.” Oh. Seems this place was under construction. Had I bothered to notice that there was still fencing around the place and absolutely no one else parked to get gas but me, I might’ve gotten the hint. While driving out of this gas station-to-be, the other construction worker, a dude with a mullet cut and bandana, smiled at me and waved good-bye, chuckling to himself. Really embarrassing.

We had little food in the house and hungry guests here, so I went to the HEB near the downtown center. En route I passed a store called “Extreme Lashes.” Can a store dedicated solely to eyelashes actually make enough money to pay the rent? How many people around here are walking around with eyelash extensions? I’ve heard of hair extensions, but didn’t know people actually do the same thing with little eyelashes.


Saturday, October 22
12:00 p.m. I was a few minutes early picking up Noah from bowling, so I sat down, looked around and observed the place. One thing I noticed were the number of obese people, not just adults, but kids, too. The second thing I noticed was how seriously people take bowling there. Many of the parents stick around to cheer and keep records of their scores. Noah said that cheering bowlers is like cheering for ping pong players.

There was a teenage girl who scored 280 today and that was impressive. I could maybe get that score if I added up the sum of three decent-for-me games.

Since it was lunchtime when I picked Noah up, I stopped at Hubbell and Hudson to get him a sandwich. There was a long line of people at the entry, and others clumped around the store drinking wine and eating small platters of food. Apparently the catering service was giving tastings for $5, as well as wine and cheese tastings. People go bonkers for free (or really cheap) food, it seems.

We saw more evidence of this at the Taste of the Village fair on our way home after the kids’ basketball game this afternoon. Between David, Noah, and Aidan, they had a free hot dog, two bags of Pirates’ Booty, two generous frozen yogurt samples, two tastings of pasta marinara, two lollipops, and some other candy bits. Darth Vader was walking around, too, inspiring the table that was making free balloon animals to create light sabers. One table had flyers for a catering company/dinners delivery service called “Healthy Enough.” 

Sunday, October 23

You never know what you’ll find on Etsy, and whoever the marketing manager is, seems to be pretty brilliant. Here’s what was featured on today’s site, among other items. I think he or she must know I live in an area where mounted heads are a primary source of interior design. However, they cost more than twice as much as the real thing at $800/piece. I think I'll stick to two-dimensional artwork for now...



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Entry #14


Entry #14

Wednesday, October 12
My parents are in town and I made arrangements for them to see Rabbi Jan Brahms, the person my mom babysat while growing up in Cleveland, who also happens to be a cousin. My mom was 11 when Rabbi Brahms (then a mere toddler named Jan or even Janny or Janjan—who knows?) was three. Now, 59 years later, here they are:

Thursday, October 13
9:00 a.m. What’s with Izzie? She was bounding like a crazed deer this morning when I took her for a walk. I think she was either overjoyed that for the first time since we’ve arrived it was actually cool this morning, or maybe she’s just a dingbat and loves chasing dew drops (it rained last night). Perhaps a bit of both. She has been known to chase butterfly shadows, so I wouldn’t put this past her.


At one point she’d run so far away through the woods I thought I’d lost her, but then she came galloping back. While waiting for her, I noticed that the sun's rays were shining through the trees in a way that brings to mind harps and angels singing Gloria in Excelsis Deo! Wish I had my camera...

Still on the lookout for animals in the woods. The only one I’ve seen thus far is the copperhead. I continue to see all too many flattened fauna in the streets though, which never ceases to upset me and the kids. This morning I saw the cutest little cottontail lying face down across the street from the park. Yesterday I saw two more unidentifiable critters. If only there was some kind of fencing so the animals could be protected.

After taking my crazy pooch for a hike, I went into Ace Hardware to pick up a rainbow-trout-shaped lighter for my dad because David adopted the one I originally bought for him. (My dad's an avid fisherman.) While there, I spoke to one of the friendly salesmen who works there, a retired corporate guy who originally hails from Ohio. He started telling me "what a shame it is about the coach from the Buckeyes." I just stood there with a glazed smile, thinking about the fact that I had no idea what he was talking about. All I know about college football is what I’m learned from watching Friday Night Lights.

While waiting at the checkout counter, I spotted some interesting new items: “The Texas Two Step Nutcracker” (only one left—must be popular), all kinds of “Grandma’s” soaps and salves, some Appalachian remedies, Two Old Goats fibromyalgia cream, and a “Patriotic Necklace” with glowing red, white, and blue stars. Ace’s lighter collection has expanded to include not only an assortment of rifles, fishing rods, fish, golf clubs, and match-shaped lighters, but also a duck-shaped one (for hunters) and an extra-long one, apparently for women who are scared of igniting barbecues (as the image on the box cover illustrates).

The buyer for this hardware store must either a)have a quirky sense of humor, b)feel sorry for the salesmen who have to sell things like “Monkeybutt Cream,” or c) be closely related to the person who sells him/her this stuff. Either way, I’ve never seen such eclectic items sold at an Ace Hardware Store. It certainly reflects the local culture.

10:00 a.m. On today’s Huffington Post, there’s a piece on “Rejected Ben & Jerry flavors,” tongue-in-cheek, of course. It includes the following:
  • Perry Garcia: Texas Tea Ice Cream Overrun with Illegal Chocolate Chunks,  
  • Sara Palin’s Mama Grizzly Crunch: S’mores-Flavored Ice Cream with Fudge Hockey Pucks & Graham Cracker Guns, (1/2 Full!),
  • Glenn Beck’s Nuts n’ Batsh*t
  • Michele Machmango’s Teabagger Brickle: Our list of ingredients may be incorrect and spelled poorly, but we’re not big on facts...
 4:00 p.m. Spent the day with my folks visiting Houston. We first went to the Museum of Contemporary Craft which I’ve heard great things about, but it looked kind of dubious from the outside, especially street side. The place looked deserted, for one, and the building was right across the street from a “checks cashed” place...This is supposed to be the beautiful museum district?
This museum is tiny, but what we saw was actually pretty interesting overall. One artist in particular gave my mom the heebie-jeebies though. Here’s how she describes her art:

“I am interested in revealing the beauty and dysfunction of domestic settings...I am baring my sense of conflict in familial relationships and how I long for those same relationships to be something they may never be.”

Her pieces are largely composed of hankerchiefs (and bras, underwear and t-shirts) dipped in porcelain, some held by clay renderings of chicken’s feet, which she ate as a child. Needless to say, this was not my mom’s cup of tea (or bowl of feet).

Another piece was an upside-down deer head knitted everywhere but across its eyes, with plants dangling from its antlers. At first I thought this was a statement against hunting/adorning walls with animal heads (I thought the deer head was fake) until I looked closer and saw that it was definitely real.
From the Contemporary Craft Museum we veered toward the heart of the museum district, “The Loop” as it’s called. This area looked like it could almost be in Europe, with a roundabout, a sculpture of a man on a horse, a fountain, and plenty of greenery. We were initially going to visit the Museum of Fine Arts, but my parents had already seen the featured King Tut exhibit, so we headed to the zoo.

I was happy to learn that this zoo is devoted to the environment and conservation, and had recycling containers at every corner. The enclosures were largely animal-friendly, though I always have a hard time seeing primates in captivity. Still, there were some really interesting animals I’ve never seen before like babirusas, and the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) were fascinating to watch. Plus, there were three baby elephants. What’s not to love about that?


5:00 p.m. Noah shared with me some of his most recent discussions with classmates over lunch. Two of them said they don’t believe that global warming exists (both are staunch Perry supporters). One surmised that the reason the Earth is getting warmer is because it’s getting closer to the sun.

Another discussion started off with “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and quickly digressed to "What do you want to have when you grow up?" One kid said he wanted to be an engineer, then said he wanted to have a “big house, fast car, lots of money, and a hot wife.” I’m just so thankful Noah was rolling his eyes rather than nodding his head.

7:30 p.m. I defrosted a bunch of the steaks I bought off the truck a couple weeks back, since my dad’s a major carnivore. He also happens to be an amazing cook and knows his cuts o’ meat. He said the alleged filet mignons aren’t actually filets, but rather round cuts of sirloin. He said that the other steaks are so thin and small, they’re “breakfast steaks,” the type you fry in a pan for steaks and eggs.

While defrosting the chicken breasts (that I also bought off the truck), my dad told me that they are merely shaped like whole breasts. The tenders have all been removed. He worked at his parents' chicken store for many years and knows his poultry better than anyone.

I'm such a sucker.

Saturday, October 15

Since my parents are here and we only had until 1:30 to bop around, we decided to visit Old Town Spring, which is about 20 minutes away. En route, we passed a billboard for laser hair removal that said “Call 1-713-RU Hairy” and Furr’s Buffet, which looked like it said “Furry Buffet.” Guess the latter might be a good place for hairy people to congregate before getting laser removal. Another billboard read, “Beef: Why space aliens steal our cows.”

The most interesting aspect of Old Spring was hearing about the history of this town from the perspective of a docent at the Historical Museum. He told us what Spring was like during his childhood (about 60+ years ago). He said that he could fill up his truck with gas, take his girlfriend to the movies, get popcorn and a Coke, all for less than $5. He said there were less than 200 hundred people in the town at that time, and that he went from his church to the one that this museum now occupies so he could try to hold hands with the pastor’s daughter. 

He asked if my parents have tried BlueBell ice cream and they said they have (I got some for them to try; it’s a Texas-based brand). He patted his round belly proudly and said he blamed BlueBell for the extra twenty pounds he needs to lose, and then talked about getting a burger after being relieved from his work shift.

While walking around we spotted a café that sold fried Twinkies, fried Snickers, fried Oreos, Jolly Rancher slushies, “curley” fries, and fresh fruit smoothies (just to wash it all down). Another place, a converted train car, sold Frito chili pie, BBQ stuffed nachos and turkey legs, among other artery-clogging items.



I did spot one health food store, but it was also a Christian supply store, which was an interesting combination. “Eat healthy and be closer to God” perhaps? I’ve never seen such a pairing.

The town is very pet-friendly. We noticed several dog-supply stores, the Woof Pet Bakery and Boutique, and posters for the upcoming Pet Fair. Izzie was also permitted to sit outside with us while we ate at Ellen’s café (she enjoyed the breadsticks, too).

My parents were fascinated by an Asian store that had purchased a number of Terracotta Warriors. Until recently, a specially constructed site in Katy, Texas housed 6,000 one-third scale reproductions of Emperor Qin’s army. The originals date back to the Third century B.C.. They were discovered in 1974 by some local farmers in the Lintong District, Xi’ian while digging a water well. My parents saw the originals when they visited China last spring and were pleased to see some of the reproductions, too.

 Most of the stores, however, were pretty touristy. I did go into a bead store and entered in the middle of a conversation between two southern women. One was joking that she kept sending her daughter Obama trinkets, to which the other woman replied, “Oh you...[naughty gal]!” The mother said, “Well, she did vote for Obama.” The other woman replied, “I just think we should get him and all those other S.O.B.s outta office!” It was obvious from the tone and pitch of this conversation, that these women just assumed that their view was status quo.

While the truck we parked behind was littered with anti-Obama stickers, we passed one that sported a very poignant sticker: iSad, an apple with Steve Jobs’ profile replacing the area where a bite cutout would be. I imagine Jobs himself might’ve gotten a chuckle out of this.

4:00 p.m. Received The Woodlands Reviewit in the mail today. The front cover featured a woman with a top-lip so swollen, she either had a major implant or was bitten by a Texas-sized bee. The woman featured is named “Holli Ann” and held out a bowl of pasta with veggies. The article about her Secret Kingdom spa and Dragonfly Café included the following description: 

“There may be a misconception that the Secret Kingdom is a pretentious and expensive setting, but despite the luxurious décor and the high end offerings, Holli’s business is welcoming, friendly, and affordable.” 

A photo on the upper right-hand side shows Holli sitting, legs crossed, with five tough-looking, scantily-clad women scowling behind her. The photo below this one shows Holli’s daughter in a satiny princess dress sitting on her lap. Neither one of these photos portrays the spa as remotely friendly, welcoming or affordable. What an odd choice for a feature article. Once again, most advertisements in this local magazine focus on cosmetic procedures and other self-improvement services.

The second glossy magazine that came today is Nu Image: An informative Texas specialty magazine. The cover features “My Dream Team Docs: Houston’s premier makeover specialists come together to make your dreams a reality.” Whatever happened to a focus on healing? Aging gracefully? The first two-page spread features weight-loss and cosmetic dentistry ads, followed by a two-page spread on liposuction, complete with repulsive before and after photos. The mustachioed doctor has a mullet-cut and a cheesy tie. Would you trust him with a scalpel?

Wednesday, October 19
This is the longest I’ve gone without writing (a whopping four days!) and while my life here is far from a rip roarin’ adventure, I do feel the need to catch up. My parents left on Monday after being here for a week, and my mother-in-law and her twin sister arrived yesterday. Somehow it just doesn’t seem very hospitable holing up in my office while we have guests, so I abstained for a few days... But now my mother-in-law and her sister are off to Houston to see the first of many days of Sweet Adelines singing performances, so I actually have a chunk o’ time.

 We all really enjoyed having my folks here. It was fun to play tourist with them, too. On Sunday, we ventured out to Galveston, which had been completely ravaged by Hurricane Ike. Three years later, it’s largely rebuilt. We happened upon an art fair downtown, so we parked and looked around. There were a few impressive artisans, and a great photographer, too, but mostly run-of-the-mill stuff. I’ve never seen so many variations of crosses for sale—as jewelry, wall art, hair art, garden art, even body art (there was a henna booth).

We ended up eating a place adjacent to the Marina. Watching the pelicans and the shrimp boats come in was interesting, especially at dusk, with the play of sunlight on the water. 


When we finally arrived home, around 8:00 p.m., I heard the doorbell ring. My dad went to see who it was. There was no one there, but a Halloween gift basket left mysteriously on the doorstep. Inside a decorative plastic bowl were with mini candy bars, mini plastic cauldrons, plastic vampire teeth, plastic straws, a plastic flashlight with a Frankenstein head, a sheet that read “You’ve been boo’ed” as well another one with a pre-printed rhyming note, unsigned. The note was a form/chain letter that explained that now that I’ve received this package, I need to send two more to unsuspecting neighbors (so the ghouls of Halloween wouldn’t haunt me).
Rather than react with, “Oh, how fun! How sweet!” my inner humbug felt more like, “Ugh. Now I have to go out and buy plastic Halloween junk to make two of these?” I'd never heard of “getting boo’ed” before, so I looked it up, and discovered that this is not a new trend; it's just a suburban one.

I initially thought I’d repurpose the plastic stuff and a few of the mini candy bars, but Aidan was much too excited about the bat bowl and wanted to keep the silly straws. For some reason, I just wanted to do this and get it over with, so I went to CVS, and got the least offensive Halloween items I could find. I can’t really buy stuff that’s truly ghastly (even if it is Halloween), so I ended up spending over $20 on reusable baskets, full-size candy bars, light sticks, etc.. Really pathetic.

I defrosted part of the giant block of cookie dough (the first of my many purchases from kids doing door-to-door fundraisers), rolled it in Halloween sprinkles, then filled a little basket with cookies and placed it in the larger basket (Martha Stewart would be proud). When it was dark, Aidan and I made the deliveries (i.e., rang the doorbell, then ran away.)

The one small act of rebellion I committed was leaving out the chain mail letter. I know the whole point of this ridiculous mystery gift basket thing was to keep it going, but I think it’s pretty lame, so I left it out. Besides, it’s much more pleasant to receive a gift basket and simply enjoy it.

Monday morning greeted us with fog for the first time since we’ve been here. When Aidan walked outside, he said, “Aaaah, finally—a nice day!” Noah came out and said virtually the same thing. Can you tell my kids were raised in San Francisco?


We had to leave early for the dentist, which happens to be in the medical center adjacent to the kids’ school. We walked in and were met with a strong “dental” smell, not so much bad breath as a combination of oral hygiene cleaning agents mixed with filling material. Aidan looked around and said, “Mom, don’t you think this place kind of has a bad vibe?” He looked around the spacious waiting room and saw the play area and returned. “You have to pay a quarter to play a game. Don’t you think that’s kinda corny?” The dentist was actually great, a Texas man with a booming, southern accent and warm demeanor. What I liked most about him was the fact that he errs on the side of avoiding unnecessary procedures, like filling baby teeth that will be falling out soon anyway. All in all, the most painless dental visit ever (despite the smell)!

After school, Noah shared the latest about his various classmates. Being a Montessori school, the classes are clustered, so he has both seventh and eighth graders in his class. One seventh grader announced that he has two costumes for Halloween: a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume and a Power Ranger costume. If he was being tongue-in-cheek about this it would be one thing, but he was completely serious. Noah won’t even go trick-or-treating because he thinks he’s too old. Plus, being 6’2”, he looks even older than that, and he doesn’t want to explain himself.

I mistakenly received an email from Aidan’s teacher at the public school he originally attended. She began her letter with “Happy Fall Y’All!” and proceeded to thank parents for donating various Halloween items, then continued, “Y”all are so awesome!”

12:30 p.m.: Apparently, Rick Perry has been “booed” too, but without the apostrophe. While debating recently, he dismissed Anderson Cooper’s question saying, “You get to ask the questions. I get to answer how I want [by not answering the question].”

What makes me want to boo him even more is his anti-environmental stance, covered in Bloomberg Businessweek:

Gov. Rick Perry likes to say the best way to promote economic growth is to reduce regulation. When it come to the environment, Perry has made Texas one of the most industry-friendly states in the nation.

Perry hsa cut funding for clean air programs and sued the Environmental Protection Agency to avoid enforcing laws to make the air cleaner. As part of his Republican presidential campaign, he routinely blasts the White House for tightening environmental standards...

The new law reflects Perry’s contention that global warming is a questionable theory and that regulation always creates an adverse business climate...

Texas releases more heat-trapping carbon dioxide—the chief gas in the greehouse effect—than any other state...

Still watching Friday Night Lights. We’re on the third season now (the show lasted five seasons). Here’s a great quote I heard on last night’s show:

What are they gonna do if you do quit the team, shoot you?”
“Yeah, probably. We do live in Texas.”