Entry #23

Entry #23

Monday, November 14

9:00 p.m. I can’t exactly say “the shit hit the fan” tonight because there was no fan involved, but it did hit the door, the floor, the outside of the toilet bowl, and even the carpet in the adjacent room. None of us could figure out what happened, since the toilet appears to be working. Perhaps there's a poltergeist in the loo? I, of course, got to deal with the aftermath.

Tuesday, November 15

9:30 a.m. While waiting at the doctor’s office this morning, I chatted with a medical assistant who told me he was feeling great until he ate some fast food. I asked him if he ever saw the documentary, Fast Food Nation, and told him a story I heard about a man who left a Wendy’s cheeseburger in his car by accident and discovered it two weeks later in exactly the same condition—no smell, not even a speck of mold.

He told me that the nutritionist in the medical practice actually has possession of a McDonald’s Happy Meal that’s nearly two years old (receipt included). It looks nearly fresh. This makes me wonder: If the preservatives in fast food keep the food looking fresh indefinitely, why hasn’t McDonald’s started a skin care line so humans can stay "fresh looking" too? I could be on to something.

2:45 p.m. I just received an automated call from the Conroe School District alerting me that Buckalew School is having a rainy day dismissal. My kids do not attend nor have ever attended this school. In fact, I never even heard of Buckalew Elementary before getting the call (and had to look up the spelling, since it sounded like Buckloo). I’ve received several calls in the last few months alterting me that [random name] didn’t come to [random Conroe school] today. So much for the efficacy of automation.

7:00 p.m. While loading the dishwasher, the whole appliance nearly fell out of the wall. I wasn’t even loading it with pots and pans—just the usual glasses and plates. This house is really discombobulating.

Wednesday, November 16

9:30 a.m. I picked up a few groceries from the market near the kids’ school after drop-off, and saw an elderly man simultaneously pushing and pulling two shopping carts that were filled to the brim. I asked if I could push one for him and he politely declined. A white-haired woman who had seen this brief exchange held up her hands and proclaimed, “Lord have mercy! An everyday angel is in our midst!” then walked into the store. I quietly asked the man again if I could help him, just to be sure, to which he replied, “Hon, I’ve been doing this for years.”

10:00 a.m. After the grocery store, I ventured to the “secret” post office that’s housed in our nearby Ace Hardware store. With the holidays upon us, Ace has expanded its gift options. How about some patriotic coasters? A mug painted with “Merry Christmas Y’All!”? Perhaps a handy apron for the “meat and potatoes kind’a guy” in your life?

There was an entire display devoted to a Dallas-based product called “Poo Pourri.” Its slogan reads, “Spritz the bowl before you go, and no one else will ever know.” It comes with a decorative chain adorned with a “P” (for Poo, I can only assume). The label features a cherub sitting on the toilet while blowing on a plunger. If someone can market and sell a concoction for spraying the toilet bowl after defecating, then really, anything is possible.

Thursday, November 17

12:30 p.m. Since David’s birthday is coming soon, we made a “date” to go shopping for a sport coat last night, since his other one mysteriously disappeared en route to Texas. Upon entering the department store, we saw a man wearing a t-shirt printed with a design similar to Obama’s “Hope” poster, only this one featured President Reagan and the word “Right.” Does this mean Reagan was right about something? Or that we should go right? Veer right? Hmmm...

We found David a snazzy blazer in record time, and then spotted some shoes that he wanted to try on. (David’s not crazy about shopping, but he does like shoes). The salesman starting chatting with us and we soon learned he was from South Boston, was a military policeman in the army, loves San Francisco, thinks Houston drivers are horrible, and is a Democrat.

After telling us he had to “bite his tongue a lot” (politically speaking), he said he just saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said, “Miss me yet?” with a picture of President Bush. I told him about the one I’d just seen. Seems people wear their political views not so much on their sleeves as their torsos.

This morning I stopped at Hubbell & Hudson, with hopes of finding some local goodies to bring home to my family in Ohio (other than Poo-pourri, from which I refrained). Besides an overpriced box of chocolates called Longhorns and countless salsas, which my folks don't really like, I couldn’t find many products from Texas. I did manage to find a few tasty treats like local honey and pecans, but noticed that a remarkable number of items (especially produce) come from California.