Entry #55

Entry #55

Monday, April 9

11:00 a.m. I stayed up too late last night watching “GCB,” a show based on a book by Kim Gatlin called Good Christian Bitches based in an unnamed suburb of Dallas, Texas. Having just visited Dallas this past weekend, the timing was perfect, though the lives of my Dallas relatives hardly resemble those of the soap operatic characters, even if my aunt does have perfectly coiffed blond hair and accessorizes with diamonds (she and her husband run a successful jewelry manufacturing company in town).

In the first episode, the lead character has just moved back home from Southern California, after being away for 18 years. With her jeans, t-shirt and ponytail, she looked completely out of place next to her meticulously coiffed, Texas society mother.

I got a kick seeing one of the lead characters, the President of the Garden Society, reading Garden & Gun magazine. Thanks to my Southern belle friend who bought me a subscription, I was feeling "in the know" (though I didn't recognize the cover—a back issue perhaps?). In the main character’s house, there’s a “gun room” with glass-enclosed cabinets lined with rifles, a large bear-skin rug, and of course, plenty of taxidermy.

As kitsch as the show may be, the script is fun. Here are a couple of choice California-Texas zingers:

“Why would anyone move from Texas to California? We have the same weather without the liberals.”

“Have you ever been to California?”

“Last stop to the apocalypse? Hell, no.”

Here are a few more great lines, and they’re well-delivered by the likes of Kristin Chenoweth and Annie Potts:

“She’s a darlin’ girl. She just needed some Texafying...Big hair is a sign of confidence.”

“’You reap what you sow.’ Mom, what does that mean?”

“That’s Texan for karma.”

“Casual dress means simple and tasteful. No diamonds bigger than your head.”

“Cleavage helps your cross hang straight.”

Daughter: “Mother, you have a gun in your purse!”

Mother: “You never know when you might need one.”

And my personal favorite...

“Nothing says ‘Welcome to Texas’ like a good, clean kill shot.”

Noon: Nearly 15,000 worshippers flocked to Celebration Church in Georgetown, Texas to see Tim Tebow on Easter, according to People.com. “In Christianity, it’s the Pope and Tebow right now,” Pastor Joe Champion told the congregation.

Tuesday, April 10

3:00 p.m. The saying, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch” is ringing true this week. Our neighbor kindly offered to watch Izzie for the weekend, since we couldn’t take her with us to Dallas. Little did I know that after two fun-filled days, Izzie would be completely infested with fleas. The homeowner has two Goldens, as well as three cats, but I never thought about the possibility of fleas.

I gave Izzie a bath, combed her with a flea comb, then combed her some more and thought I’d gotten everything. The next day, the fleas had migrated towards her head and face. "Those suckers are really fast!" said David. The vet said that this season is among the worst they've seen for fleas, a result of the wet, soggy winter. And even though I know fleas don't inhabit human heads, it doesn't stop my scalp from itching at the mere thought of these pesky varmints.

Between the flea baths, sprays, new flea medication, professional carpet cleaning, car and house cleaning, the whole shebang is ending up costing us over $400. Izzie did have a blast with her friends, though, so it wasn’t a total loss...Plus, both our dog and freshly washed carpet are now muy fluffy.

At the grocery store today, I had to pick up a couple of boxes of matzoh, among other things. Seems I’m among the few people to purchase Passover goods here because the display hasn't changed in weeks. At checkout, neither the clerk nor the bagger knew how much the matzoh cost. I offered to go back to the aisle and check the price, but they didn’t seem to care. “How much do you think it would be?” the cashier asked me. "I have no idea," I said. "How much do you think it might be?" the cashier asked again, beckoning me to take a guess. “Well, if I were playing The Price is Right, I’d say $1.77.” Next thing I knew, I saw that on the screen they’d charged me $1.77 per box. If only I could “pick my price” more often.

Wednesday, April 11

11: 30 a.m. Noah’s really gotten into writing and history lately, and has been working on several assignments pertaining to global issues. What’s ironic about this is that while his classmates immerse themselves in intense video war games, don’t believe in “man-made global warming” or even evolution in many cases, Noah is writing about how to conserve energy, eliminate war and promote peace.

Noah mentioned that he was teased about the “huge crackers” he's been eating for lunch. Seems Noah and Aidan are the only kids in their school who observe Passover. “It’s really weird, Mom,” Noah said.

I made matzoh meal bagels, so at least today’s lunch includes a less crumbly bread alternative, even if they are an odd shade of brown and kind of lumpy. Good thing they eat yogurt (the chocolate chip accompaniment helps).

I did make vegetarian matzoh ball soup last night, which was a hit. My nephew, Gabriel, who’s also a vegetarian, decided to have fun with the traditionally round dumplings and instead made “matzo cubes.” I didn’t realize how well these dense dough balls could hold their shape.

Thursday, April 12

12:00 noon: I finally braved getting my hair cut in Texas for the first time, not for any other reason than the fact that I had gotten to that dubious stage where I automatically put my hair into a bun or ponytail, and when I didn't, I looked like I was on the verge on looking like I belonged in Appalachia with a corn cob pipe and overalls. Plus, I’d gotten a referral from a woman I know whose hair always looks good, so I figured it was a safe bet.

Considering the fact that I’ve gotten my hair cut by the same person for the last 24 years, this was kind of a big deal, even if it’s “only hair.” Plus, people around here are much more well-coiffed than I am, and often have lots of layers, so getting a "wash-and-wear" style seemed unlikely.


To play it safe, I just asked for “a trim,” though when I looked in the mirror, I could see that I needed a lot more help than a snip off the bottom. After discussing the need to cut off “the stringy parts,” the stylist went into her drawer and whipped out a container of Kendi Oil. “It’s really good for getting rid of all that frizz,” she said.

I had washed my hair that morning, but spend about ten seconds drying it, just to influence the front part’s general direction. I obviously was looking like the “before” photo in an advertisement for a hair-taming treatment. 

“What kind of hair products do you use?” asked the stylist. “Um, shampoo and conditioner?” I said, not knowing if those counted. “Oh, so you don’t use anything like mousse or hairspray or anything?” “No,” I said. “Do you flat iron your hair?” she continued. Not knowing what flat-ironing was, I blankly shook my head.

The hair stylist explained that rather than cut my hair when it was wet, she preferred to flat-iron it then cut it so there would be “no surprise shrinkage.” By the time she was finished, my hair felt really sleek and alarmingly sparse, as though half of it had suddenly disappeared. I trust it’ll poof back out, however, once I wash it and venture back into the Gulf Coast humidity.