Entry #10

Entry #10

Tuesday, September 20

I just spotted the teeniest frog I’ve ever seen. Couldn’t have been larger than my pinky fingernail. I didn’t even know what it was until I saw something hopping like a Mexican jumping bean. Yes, it was a Lilliputian-size frog. Izzie didn’t see it, luckily—she would’ve probably tried to lick it or romp with it.

Our family watched the first episode of Friday Night Lights last night. I’m glad I waited until I was here in Texas for a month so I could have enough time to observe the culture here. What’s remarkable about this show is that it really captures the way Texans feel about football and religion, i.e., football is king and Jesus is Lord.

Now I’m hooked. I can see why it’s such an addictive show, and  I don’t even follow football (though I did a long time ago until the Cleveland Browns’ quarterback, Brian Sipe, crushed our hopes of getting into the Superbowl in the last five seconds of the game, but that’s another story.)

Despite the excitement of Friday Night Lights, neither one of my kids has any interest in playing football beyond the casual “tag-football” that was offered at the kids’ school in California, which would be considered laughable here. Aidan said he “wanted to play football even less” after seeing the quarterback become paralyzed after suffering a spinal injury (fictional, but enough to scare him away from the game). It’s wild to see boys in elementary school here gear up from head to toe in the sizzling Houston heat. Talk about devotion...

3:30 p.m. On the way home, Aidan thought the street “Cochran’s Crossing” was Cockroach Crossing. I think the latter is more apt actually.

Traffic stalled en route due to a three-car accident. I thought about the fact that if I were in the middle of that crash we would’ve crushed like an accordian. All the cars were full-size SUVs. Now I really understand why people drive monster trucks here—they can save your life.

I heard from our sweet ninth-grade neighbor that homecoming was really fun. A bunch of kids (18 in all) rented a bright yellow Hummer limosine. In Berkeley, Hummers are perceived as gas-guzzling army vehicles that should be used by the military, not soccer moms or prom kids, despite the fact that California’s own Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, apparently drives one. I could imagine a Prius limosine in Berkeley, but not a Hummer. Ever. It’s not PC, dude.

Wednesday, September 21

I was up late last night watching the second episode of Friday Night Lights, then Bridesmaids (for the second time). Couldn’t fall asleep...

I actually have a writing project right now, thankfully, but it will largely be over by the month’s end, so I thought I’d look on Craigslist and The Woodlands.com to see if there might be any possible jobs for me. I was surprised to find one that looked rather interesting for an “Outdoor Writer.” I love the outdoors. I’m a writer. Good fit, or so I thought. I opened up the ad and this was the description:

“A South Central Texas hunting ranch and whitetail deer breeding operation is looking for an outdoor enthusiast with a flair for writing to assist with an online marketing and promotional campaign. The ideal candidate should enjoy writing about outdoors, including hunting, and is capable of developing informational and promotional content within specified criteria.”

I guess “outdoors” here is equated with “hunting.” I like deer. I just don’t want to hunt and kill them, or eat them and mount their severed heads on my wall. I wouldn’t mind having one as a pet, though.

In the “For Sale” section was this ad for a shotgun:

Mossberg pump action shot gun - $160 (northshore area)

Never been used shotgun gun mossberg pump action for sale. Got a new firearm for my home protection and is wanting 160 for it but is willing to do 150 to 140...

Here’s another For Sale:

Mounted deer heads - $85 cash or best offer fast. Call or text anytime....

So, for the cost of week’s worth of groceries, I can get myself a pump-action shotgun and some deer heads to go. Knowing that someone who writes, “I is wanting...but I is willing...” AND has a firearm just to protect his home makes me very nervous. Door-to-door salesmen beware.

I saw a great ad for a Halloween costume of a woman with antlers. Ironically she, too, is a Texan (from Austin). At least she has a sense of humor, and deer do shed their antlers.

In the Sundance catalog, there’s a t-shirt that says, “This is not my first rodeo.” I assumed it meant what it said and thought, "I've been to a rodeo!" Then I found out it was slang for "I've been doing this for a long time (i.e., have experience)." I can relate all too well to Amelia Bedelia in the "taking things too literally" department.

While shopping at Randall’s yesterday afternoon, the stereo system was playing a country tune, “I built my home from a toolshed...” Only country songs can get away with lyrics like this.

There’s a house in Houston proper that’s made from beer bottles. Talk about a great use of recycling! (More spacious than a toolshed, too.)

9:30 a.m. I took Izzie back to George Mitchell Reserve today. The 1.5 mile walk, while filled with signs about the plants and directions, is the only place I’ve seen that’s even mildly rustic. This is the closest I’ve been to being immersed in nature and it made me realize how much I miss the bounty of natural beauty in the Bay Area. Everything here is calculated, manicured, planned. It’s refreshing to see plants growing in organic shapes. Many trees and shrubs in the neighborhood are shaped like topiaries.

10:30 a.m. While reading the Huffington Post, I happened upon a silly article about Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, Schweddy Balls.

A group called One Million Moms, an offshoot of the conservative organization American Family Association, is campaigning against what it says is Ben & Jerry’s “tasteless” name for its new ice-cream flavor.

One Million Moms happens to be a right-wing religious advocacy group that underwrote Texas Governor Rick Perry's day-long Houston prayer-a-thon last month.

Here’s the article:

The Vermont-based ice-cream maker, a unit of Unilever, unveiled the Schweddy Balls flavor earlier this month. The company based the name on a long-running “Saturday Night Live” sketch that features Alec Baldwin as bakery owner Pete Schweddy, who says of his holiday-themed concoction: “No one can resist my Schweddy balls.”

One Million Moms is organizing an email drive urging Ben & Jerry’s to stop distributing Schweddy Balls and to cancel any future batches of the flavor. If the company refuses, One Million Moms said it would urge consumers to boycott Ben & Jerry’s.

“The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket,” reads a statement on the One Million Moms’ website.

Ben & Jerry’s spokesman Sean Greenwood said Tuesday the flavor has proved wildly popular, and another production run is planned for next week.

Schweddy Balls is vanilla ice cream with “a hint” of rum and fudge-covered malt balls with rum and milk chocolate, according to Ben & Jerry’s website.

Greenwood said the company has received a few hundred emails and some phone calls objecting to Schweddy Balls. However, the ice-cream maker has received many more messages praising the flavor, he said.

“We’ve been hearing from many fans. It appeals to those who love our irreverent sense of humor. If you watch the skit, it’s a lot easier to get the joke,” Greenwood said.

Sales have been stronger than expected. The Burlington Ben & Jerry’s scoop shop ran out of what was to have been a week’s supply of the ice cream in two days, Greenwood said. He could not provide specific figures.

“We’re feeling pretty psyched about Schweddy Balls,” Greenwood said. —Garrett News Service

I love Ben & Jerry’s. Jerry went to my alma mater, Oberlin College, and I fully support them, schweddy balls and all. My kids’ favorites are Imagine Whirled Peace and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I looked up their list of current flavors and I found Fair Goodness Cake!, What a Cluster and Jamaican Me Crazy particularly clever. Their postcard reads, “What a long, strange dip it’s been.” Classic.

In the past, Ben & Jerry's has released controversial ice creams, like a special edition of Chubby Hubby called Hubby Hubby last year which celebrated gay marriage. It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry's. —Huffington Post

Also on the subject of food, the Huffington Post listed the “Top 10 New Foods at the 2011 State Fairs.” One third of these foods originated at the State Fair of Texas.

Get your barf bag ready...

Buffalo Chicken in a Flapjack: This monstrosity is a chicken strip, coated in pancake batter and jalapeno bread crumbs, then deep fried and...you guessed it—eaten on a stick.

El Bananarito: This one has fruit in it, so we’re counting it as healthy. For some inexplicable reason, someone in Texas thought to roll a banana in a flour tortilla, deep fry the whole thing, then top it with whipped cream, powdered sugar, and chocolate sauce. Yes, please.

Deep-Fried Salsa: You’ve got to have something to top your bananarito with, don’t you? Just kidding—this one is basically a meal unto itself—jalapenos, roasted garlic, onion, tomato, and pepper rolled together, dipped in masa, covered in crumbled tortilla chips, and fried, with queso dip on the side.

—Huffington Post

Thursday, September 22

Rick Perry was just on the front page of the New York Times Sunday Review. Yesterday afternoon I went to write at the Barnes & Noble Café and noticed that Perry’s now on the cover of Time magazine. I thought I was seeing him everywhere because I’m in Texas, but now I know he’s everywhere, and gaining national momentum at an alarming speed.

You think of Rick Perry, you think of Texas. And more Texas. Perry the cowboy coyote-killer, the lord of the Texas job-creation machine, the g-dropping glad-hander with a “howdy” for every stranger in the room. He barely exists in the national mind outside of the Texas connection...We have had several Texas presidents, but none so deeply, intensely Texas as this guy would be...—Gail Collins, NYTimes

It’s scary enough having him as the governor of Texas, though I can understand it—he epitomizes all things Texan. He even wants Texas to secede. This man believes in creationism, church-and-state, is pro-war, pro-guns, pro-offshore oil drilling, anti-equality for homosexuals, believes global warming doesn’t exist, and allegedly hates the government despite the fact that he’s running for its top position. What scares me more than anything is the fact that he's at once charismatic and ignorant—the most frightening combination of all. Can you imagine if he picks Sarah Palin for his running mate? I think a move to Bhutan will be in order.